i have been wanting to write a book for a long time. since i was a little girl i have wanted to collect all of my thoughts and share them with the universe.
i have the alphabet tattooed on my body as a reminder of all the words that i have access to. i am a writer. it helps me integrate my emotion into my body of knowing. and yet. i set this goal to write a book and now the last thing i can do is pick up a pen and write. i am fighting resistance of the deepest kind. i created a 40 day practice to help me unweave this knot of writers block. today is the 40th day of this practice and i am still as perplexed about my lack of words.
my daily practices that i come back to when i am untethered; writing, movement, meditation, drawing, planting, sewing are nowhere to be seen. perhaps it is the dark time of my soul as i climb out of all the emotions of 2020. maybe it is the death grasp of this pandemic that has me grieving silently, deeply, without having to know my way out.
i often take care of others before i take care of myself. i like to share all the tools i have and the books i read that helped me be who i am. i like to share the artists that reflect my experience, or push me to understand others. i cook other people food before i feed myself. i make tea for others while mine gets cold. some of this is healthy, it is my love language to care for others, specifically feeding them, physically and spiritually. but i can derail my own needs, i tend to put what i need on the farthest burner form me, i’m talking the neighbor’s backyard fire pit not even in my own kitchen.
this morning as i sat with my tea alone, my wife was sleeping and the dog was playing outside in an inch of new snow, i heard loud and clear that focus; centering myself in my own practices, is the key to unraveling my resistance.
what does centering my own practices look like? it looks like i am going to have to let go of a lot of shit. literally and figuratively. i am going to have be very meticulous in my work and time allocation. creating massive boundaries that i am capable holding and maintaining. this doesn’t feel new. it is something i have known for a long time. i get distracted very easily, one of my closest friends in college told me i was a shiny penny person, and i was so pissed at them. i still get angry at his insight today. but i am. i am curious and want to learn all the things in the universe. i always have been. my favorite poet: mary oliver, writes that attention is the beginning of devotion. and i believe because I AM capable of spreading my attention in so many directions it leaves me devoted to and in awe of the universe. i don’t ever want to give up the wonder i hold for the universe. but and its time to shrink the scope of my lens.
i want to write a book. i want to publish a book about loving ourselves. it is hard work to love ourselves, it is not possible without inquiry and vulnerability. it is hard work to write a book. and this resistance to who i am and what makes me feel most like myself is apparently a part of it. i needed to struggle through my 40 day practice to realize just how far from myself i am. and so i find myself in the inquiry stage of this process. again.
this full moon in leo, although she is hiding behind the most opaque of grey cloud cover, illuminates. she is asking me to focus on what it is that gets me to myself. she is asking me to drop the bullshit. she is asking me to stand in her light and focus on how i can show up despite the resistance, in the middle of the resistance.
because if i am not full then i have nothing to give. if my needs are not met, then i am incapable of giving to others. and this book, this writing process is a gift to you. it is something i am called to share, because living is hard and painful and full of sorrow and grief and loss and anger. and yet it is full of joy and laughter and delicious food, and juicy supportive relationships.
i hope this full moon finds you filling yourself. deciphering what it is you most deeply need so you may give of yourself freely. to be in service to others is a great honor. may your heart be full and inspire others to give of themselves.
in all the messy frustration of writers block i send you this small offering of prayer to remember what it is you need. so you may be you.
with love,
cathlinstar
