recognizing what is real and what is a lie.

i’ve been tracking my menstruation for years. i started on a app, but felt weird sharing personal info with the tech world…i colored in the days i was bleeding on my moon phase calendar for a while, but i wanted more info. so about five years ago i started creating a yearly tracker, with a key for symbols that capture symptoms of pms, or what i ate, or how much alcohol i drank, or what my emotional landscape feels like. it has allowed me the insight to understand my cycle and the cause and effect my actions have on my lived experience in my body.

that being said; knowing how or why something is happening doesn’t necessarily change the felt reality.

for instance, the other morning i woke up in a terrible mood. i felt terrible about myself, that i was a failure, had not accomplished anything in my life, had nothing to show for any of my work, was unlikable and fat.

i knew this was a pms symptom. it felt like my period immediately. yet, it still felt awful. i was grumpy, sad, angry and miserable. i vocalized my terrible mood to shelley. she sympathized and asked if i wanted to go for a walk. i clearly stated that i would rather be miserable and alone, despite that i knew the walk would help alleviate the angst.

but i didn’t go for the walk. i wanted to revel in my own pity party. so i brewed a cup of tea, went upstairs to my office, turned on an audiobook, and dusted my altar. i cried it out in my comfy office chair. i ate some cookies. i pet the dogs and cats cause they all know when i need some loving. shelley came and sat on the floor and did a crossword. then i kicked everyone out of the office, closed the door, lit some incense and wrote for a while.

then i got dressed and we went and ran some errands.

knowing my misery was hormonal did not change the fact that the feelings were present. so i sat with them, let them run their course and continued with my day.

going for a walk may have been a better choice for my body, but sometimes you have to indulge your emotional self.