being kind to myself

i think i’ve written elsewhere here that i had a sort of - i need to get my shit together - moment before i turned 45. in december i turned 46. i did some big things in my 45th year. and i also had to focus on reality in a way that has never been asked of me before. with a big helping of grace and understanding i felt pretty good going into 46. my birthday is a week before winter solstice, a time i love to begin turning inward and dreaming how i will show up and grow as the light grows with me. i love new years and i’ve developed a long and drawn out process of reflection and visioning that usually takes me two months to work my way through. this process is not set in stone but there are foundational elements and tools i turn to again and again. maybe someday i’ll write more in depth about this process. in the past few years there has been very little movement of the so called needle in regards to what i dream up and what actually happens by the end of the year. i write out lists and time management strategies and then life seems to take over and not really work towards finishing what i wanted to start.

this is part perfectionism as a way of keeping myself small, part being dishonest with myself about what it is I want versus what I should want, and also i really like everything done; chores, dishes, laundry, garden planted, veggies harvested, dogs walked, groceries shopped, meals prepped etc etc etc before i dive into the big stuff, which is why i find myself here, at 46 with little to show for myself professionally but a hell of life lived. but i want more big stuff lived. there are some big things i’ve wanted for a long time, i’m talking book publishing big, and haven’t moved the proverbial needle at all. so here i am.

last year i picked up a book called 50 hikes in vermont. when i picked up the book somewhere inside of my being told me, “here’s your thing…50 hikes before 50!

so in order to do this i need to get strong. not just lose some weight strong but mentally and emotionally stronger than i am now. funny how this years tarot card is strength, the tarot always has the last laugh. i want to be stronger at the end of the year than i am right now.

of course being able to lift heavier stuff when i turn 47(!) than i can right now isn’t the real goal. being stronger is being able to show up in vulnerable ways. being clear in my communication and specific in what i want is part of this goal, because strength is measured in weight lifted, along with all types of other fitness metrics, but also by resilience and mobility of body and spirit.

it feels scary to share the specifics of this process.

this is a hard metric to track.

but tracking it is not necessarily the point. the point is the process. becoming who i want to be, a strong active person who is not limited by my physical capability, or lack there of. a person not afraid to challenge myself and trust the process, not just crave the accomplishment of the desired end.