Reclaiming New Year's Resolutions or how I'm making new years resolutions on my own terms.

radical-resolution-challenge-reclaiming-new-year's-resolution

I love this time of year because I get a new planner and it is a blank slate of possibility.  It is time to take stock of what I have accomplished throughout the year. I find it interesting to examine where my focus is now in reflection to where it was earlier in the year.  That has not always been the case.  My relationship with reflection, resolutions, goals and intentions has changed quite a bit in the last few years of my life and this year it's changing again.  I am reclaiming new year's resolutions.  I am going to make a resolution to trust myself.  It's my #radicalresolution.

I used to hate making a New Year’s resolution.  

Every year I would make the same, join a gym, lose 25 pounds by April, run a 5k in September, kind of resolutions and not keep a single one past the 3rd week of January.  I thought something was wrong with me because I wasn’t disciplined enough to lose weight.  I spent years of my life trying to cultivate the discipline to go to the gym daily, and lose weight.  After a while I just saw resolutions as a way to set myself up for failure.  Why bother?

After I left the restaurant industry and started to dive into some deep healing work, I realized that I ached for intention.  I wanted to be present enough in my own life that I could have the forethought to be in a space and notice how I felt, maybe even be the master of how I felt.   I wanted to be mindful of my emotions and how I interacted with them.  I started to really examine my reactions to people and how I would spend my energy in those reactions.  I realized that I did not need to exchange energy that did not feel good to me.  I got to choose how invested I would be.  There are plenty of things in life that are annoying and frustrating and we don't want to spend time on, like talking to your internet provider.  I wish I had a person to call the internet company for me, but I don’t, instead I pay attention to how much energy I spend in the conversation, it’s easier being nice and letting it be what it is.  I save my energy for what feels good.  Do the annoying stuff, but don’t be vested.  Invest yourself in what feels good, what fills you back up; with that awareness & mindfulness I was able to realize intent and autonomy. I started to trust what I knew about interactions with others.  That ability to trust my read on a situation is where the deepest healing has occurred for me.  It is in this trusting of myself that then I get to say no thanks to people who judge my size, my health, my gender, my heart.  Instead I get to explore the idea of existing as a sovereign being.  (More about sovereignty later.) 

Then I started my own business.  It is easy to think that running an online business is a piece of cake.  It is not.  The learning curve was steep.  It’s a humbling experience.  I absolutely love it and love the community I have online.  I wouldn’t be here if it were otherwise.  That being said the secret weapon of online business owners everywhere are goals.  Big juicy goals full of action steps and to-do lists.  The kind of goals that planners are built for.  

When I first started working online I was all, I don’t need goals their just a way of setting myself up for failure, (sound familiar? The insecurity of decades of unfulfilled New Year’s resolutions rears its head.)  But then I realized I could pair the intent I had been cultivating with solid actionable goals and transform my love of to-do lists into some serious business planning.

What is even cooler is that when I recognized the power of combining intention and goal setting in my business I started to apply it in my personal life.  Strange how many times we have to learn something to really start to digest the lesson.  This is only how I figured out how to trust myself.  I have said it before and I will say it again, my daily practice is my own, I offer my experience as an example, we get ahead by sharing our strategies.  My daily practice is ever changing.  Your daily practice to trust yourself and feel at home in your body is your own.  When I was able to take my intent and my mindfulness so much space opened up for my life.  By trusting in what I knew I let go of so much bullshit that was not serving me.  In this trust I am able to feel at home in my body, I don't apologize for who I am or how much space I take up in the world.  By knowing what I know I get to show up in my body and be happy about it.  

I am reclaiming New Year's resolution making.

I am making a #radicalresolution to trust myself. Wanna join me?  No more setting ourselves up for failure; instead this resolution is all about trusting what we know.  This resolution is about listening to ourselves and acting from a space of celebration.  I want to hold space for us to act from a deep sense of knowing.  I want to help other women hear their voices.  

Join Me for the #radicalresolution challenge on Instagram!  Starting January 1st 2018 I will send you an email prompt centered around some serious self love.  I designed the challenge as a way to explore actions of self expression.  This can be a fun photo challenge or you can take it deeper and work with the topics from a soul centered space, either way it’s about taking up space for ourselves and each other.  Oh and fun!  Lots of fun!

I'm tired.

In fact I am fucking exhausted.  I am tired of health looking a certain way.  I am tired of skinny white girls in yoga pants.  I don't want to see your smoothie bowl.  In fact keep your pictures of chia seeds to yourself.  That may all work for other people but it is not my experience.  I like to add butter to the pan before I start cooking.  

I am fat.  I don't apologize for the space I take up.  I don't want to lose weight.  I want to love myself.  I want to go to the doctor and not have the first thing they do is ask me to get on a scale.

I am scared to talk about this shit.  I don't want to talk about being fat because my body is not up for others to discuss, judge or comment on.  But I have to talk about it because it is my life.  It is my reality.  I have had complete strangers ask me what it is like to be a fat waitress.  I use the handicap bathroom stall because then my thigh doesn't touch the toilet paper dispenser.  These experiences are my own but I am sure there are others who can relate.  

This post is short because this is hard, and it makes me feel raw and vulnerable.  But I promise to show up here to honor my frustration, sadness, anger and celebrations of being a fat grrl.  

Much love, 

Cathlin Star 

Your heart is a muscle the size of your fist...

Keep loving.  Keep fighting.

Our romantic heart can be extremely confusing to navigate.  Relationships are complicated, sharing ourselves with others requires us to be vulnerable and brave at the same time.  There are troves written about the work we can do to feel sexy, loved and tended to.  I find that often there is a lot of should involved in all that writing.  I am not a fan of coming to situations of the heart with the word should any where near me.  

I find that what I need to feel sexy is confidence, a sense of purpose, support and a damn good pair of jeans.  So the jeans are kind of a joke.  I mean its always fab when you feel great in your skin, your jeans, your tshirt, whatever puts that bounce in your step, the roll in your hips.  I feel sexy when I use my brain.  I am telling you all this because I think it is really important to talk with each other about the relationships that sustain and define us.  

I am a fat queer cis-woman.  My body has been the topic of conversations of strangers within my earshot.  My sexuality has become a political battleground, and my healthcare is at risk.  All of these realities inform how I come to my loving relationship.  They inform how I get to share my love with my partner, in public and private spaces.  

I am madly in love.  I get to laugh everyday with the woman I love.  There are places where I cannot share this with others because love is resented and happiness is taboo.  There are other spaces where we are celebrated and witnessed.  

Opening dialogues with trust affords us the opportunity to share what works and what doesn't. These conversations have the possibility of normalizing our experiences for others to see.  Talking with neighbors and friends, communities and allies opens opportunities for us to understand that love is hard and scary and messy and that we have our own worlds and realities and they are different than others experiences but they are more similar than we think.  

Our hearts are universal.  They pump blood, life through our bodies.  They crumble when we are shuttered, they thrive when we are supported and seen.  So lets start talking, sharing, listening to what our hearts are capable of.  So that we may learn from each other.