A Radical Resolution: trust yourself

I don't know about you but there are a few lessons in my life that I come up against over and over again.  To be frank my lesson is rooted in the fact that I grew up with an alcoholic parent.   I have done lots of work around this reality and how to live with the emotional impact of it.  I have had major breakthroughs and severe setbacks.  Each time I go through a cycle of learning this particular lesson, I come away with a bit more understanding of how I can move through it.

I recently realized that having spent my childhood on eggshells, never allowed me to sit in my own time and knowing.  Which is what I have been searching for in my adult life: the part of me that knows what I know.   I have rarely been good at asking for my worth when it comes to my pay, I second guess my business acumen, and I fall right down a comparison spiral when I start scrolling on social media.  

I know that I am here to learn these lessons, but at a certain point the resistance to learning the lesson is where the growth is right?  My resistance to sitting in the painful hurt of not trusting my self is the exact space where I will learn how to sit with myself.  

This lesson has shown up again and again.  In different people, circumstances, jobs, housing situations, I have found this thread of resistance to my true knowing of me.  Almost as if I seek them out.  So until now I thought the work was about loving my body, living on my own terms.  I thought I just needed to develop such and such a habit, a certain discipline, follow a certain resolution, find the right planner, make a plan, build a system, go to yoga class regularly, lose weight, find my person, make a certain amount of money, etc etc etc.  What I am realizing is that the systems are just a crutch.  They are getting in the way of me knowing myself.  Because I am imposing should in my life.  I am putting in place organization where intuition is actually the point.  

Trusting my intuition is the lesson that comes back to me.  So what if I were to look at what gets me closer to my intuition rather than making to do lists, and filling out blocks of time on my calendar?  What would it look like to make resolutions around what I know to be true for me, rather than others?

Here comes my radical resolution, to trust what I know.  This time of year is hard for a lot of people.  It is full of expectations, rampant consumerism, and heteronormative familial expectations.  Not to mention all the 'new year : new you' marketing that gets shoved down our throats.  What if we set all of that aside, or participated with it on our own terms, and really tapped into what our new year could hold.  Is there a way that I can show up in this new year so that I can really tackle this lesson that rears its head in my life repeatedly?  Is there a way I can invite myself to the table?  Can I make space for the part of me I am scared of?  Can I open myself to trusting me to do the thing that feels long term, satisfying, full of sustainable energy for me to be me?

I am hosting a radical resolution challenge.  It is an instagram challenge.  It is based on the tools I use to help me feel my most me.  It is part witch, part reclaimation, part body positivity, part mindful, part fuck it.  I am painfully aware that my journey to self looks very different than your journey to self.  I mean we are different people after all.  But I do know that the more methodologies and modalities I introduce to myself the more tools I understand and have at my disposal.