Grief teaches...or showing up despite mistakes.

Last week was the 5th anniversary of a dear friends death.  As I was sifting through things as only can happen during a move, I found the card that was handed out at his memorial service.  I wept as I read the Mary Oliver poem printed under a photo of his smile.  

Leif taught me many things, he encouraged me when few others did.  His heart was always open. As I sit in this new space I am creating, with a person I love harder than any I have loved before, I am dazed by the grief I feel after these 5 years, for the loss the world experienced when Leif took his life.  But within this grief, I have grown, I have learned how to persevere, and he is the one who taught me to continue; because he couldn't, I have to.   

I have to follow this scary business owning thing all the way through.  I have to love this woman with everything I've got.  I have to speak my truth so others can know they are not suffering alone.  I have to let things go that no longer serve me.  I have to show up.  

Part of showing up is living with your mistakes.  Realizing that your business cards are not going to arrive before you leave for your conference.  Ugh.  So how can I own it?  How do I show up with out business cards to a business conference that is all about networking and meeting new business besties?

Well, I am going to go to New Orleans, go to the conference and have real live conversations with people.  It is going to scare the shit out of me.  But I am going to talk my ass off in that room and make a lasting impression.  I am not going to make excuses, I am not going to apologize.  I am going to show up.  

So in the midst of being grateful, and scared and sad I am showing up.  I am feeling, I am talking, I am sharing my reality in hopes that it illuminates the dark for someone else.  It feels good to be seen, it feels good to know you are not alone.  It feels good to know there are others who go through the shit just like you.  It is necessary to encourage the smallest shred of inspiration.  It is important to open our hearts and let our vulnerability show.  After all we are all human.  We all mess up.  We all fight to be alive.  Remember that some of us fight harder than others and are rewarded with much less.